She said she felt compelled to ask how I came to be in my field of work because she intuitively felt like it was experience. And yes... yes, it was. I think perhaps I am still trying to neatly package "the lived experience" for these moments; to give the simple answer this question deserves, leaving our time together to represent what I like to think of as the beautiful Unspoken of the Arduous Otherness that led me here.
....but the truth is, I am still finding the right words. The shape of the story is a lot like art in the making, falling in and out of love with its forming and reforming.....
The dysfunction I've untangled from. The quieting echo of painful words I haven't quite been able to unhear yet...and equally ~ the violence that exists within silence. The ghost scars of the psychological and emotional damage I've sent into the light. Unburdening myself from the weight of the secrets of others, held for their comfort. The shame washed off. The long journey of creating a loving relationship with my body that wept cancer and long-term physical ailments until I learned not to be afraid to speak my truths. The letting go of why. The hours spent struggling to just hold onto myself, standing in front of a mirror, staring so deeply into my own teary eyes that I actually burst optical capillaries. I've learned you will feel all the feelings over and over until you can give yourself permission to hug the hard edges into softness; until you can sit with the unpeaceful until it needs not stir any longer.
And that's when I circled back to grieve my own grief: accepting the loss of the Old Stories. The Self-forgiveness. The Self-Acceptance.
The more peace I made, the more I understood why I was chosen to do the work for my family! This, despite many conversations with Spirit, exclaiming my unworthiness to represent my ancestors ...so afraid to disappoint in this responsibility to make certain there were no repeating cycles for those that come after. But here I am, owning that I am a Gentle Warrioress who found her resilience and steadied an uncalm history so the future is softer and more loving in its unfolding.
From those days, Purpose emerged from the Path. And here I am. I don't often get asked how I came to support others on their journey, so I truly appreciated her gentle curiosity. I was proud of my short but unscripted response that spilled from my heart, from my spirit, from my ancestors.... and most vulnerably from my lips. And I am grateful to be here, leading with love and sharing the unspokenness of the story in such a way that gently supports others.
Thanks for being here in the Garden.
Authors Note: I struggled with whether or not to publish this here. Do I be so vulnerable? Will the reader see me as weak? Then there is that fear of imposter syndrome...and if you know, you know! But the older I get, the more proud I am of all the younger versions of me who found bravery and strength to create change. I think personal growth journeys are challenging enough without people being real about how they got to where they are...and I choose to be real. So if you are in a rough patch, I say to you with so much conviction "if I can do it, you can too"...but also, you are not alone ~ I'm here for you.
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